One of the things that I have been reflecting on lately, is the amount of loneliness evident in our community. As I have said in this space before, it is almost certainly true that the loneliest people are currently young. It is also true that older people are at great risk of experiencing loneliness, and that it's a feeling which can hit us all from time to time.
So what do I mean by this? Well talking to one client this week who has had marriage problems over the last couple of years, he finds that he is lonely when he leaves his children to go home to a silent space, even though he has been learning again to like having time to himself. Another of my clients, whose husband died at the beginning of COVID and who received little support during lockdown, finds that she is burying her sorrow in drink most nights now, but that this is most likely to happen when she is at home alone and without any social engagements. Other people have talked to me about how, when they have survived Christmas and if they have not planned any holidays, it's often the days in the start of the new year which leave them feeling dissatisfied, or as one of my clients put it succinctly "just plain sad".
The reality is I believe, that there is a lot of what I think of as "happiness hype" at this time of year; lots of pictures on social media of happy people, who all seem to have somewhere to go. When we dig deeper however, if you look up Loneliness on your favourite Podcasts platform for example, there are so many things to tap into, because this really is a problem and there are people out there who want to address it. These Podcasts are wide-ranging, covering anything from people talking about how to address loneliness for those over the age of 50, to others exploring whether AI can help you feel less lonely, to those exposing the loneliness felt by people with chronic or life-limiting illnesses, while yet other shows like the On Purpose podcasts try to teach you how to deepen your connections.
As I said above, I think that loneliness is something that we all feel from time to time. We struggle to find a purpose for our days. We find it hard to reach out, often feeling that there is no one in our circle who gets us, or like we are the only one who is feeling as we are.
So, how do we help ourselves in these situations? Well I think that the first step involves showing ourselves some self-compassion for the suffering that we are currently going through. We need to talk to ourselves with kindness; acknowledging the struggle, rather than showing anger with ourselves for not coping better than we feel we are. We also need to appreciate that change is both hard to live with, and hard to put into practice. We need to see for example, that yes, after 20 years as a family man, it is reasonable that my client will miss being in that role on a daily basis. That's a big change for any parent. To complicate things further, while he might want to stop the drinking and find new people to connect with, it takes time to find people who fit that bill, and whom we feel comfortable with. However, while I believe that we need to cut ourselves some slack and show ourselves some understanding, I also believe that the second step involves breaking cycles or patterns of behaviour that we have gotten into which are unhelpful to us. If we can talk about how we are feeling to our friends, if we can look for opportunities to make new connections in our community, reengage with old hobbies or try new ones, then we are taking steps in the right direction to increase the number and quality of the supports that we have.
Another thing that I think we can do to help with this loneliness which is felt by so many, is to be observant of those around us, and of what they might be feeling or needing. When people are going through change, we may need to step up to the plate and be around a bit more. Sometimes just giving the gift of listening, can make such a difference to the friend who has been feeling isolated with their fears, their self-judgment and their sadness. If we can all empathise with that need to belong, we can also find ways to provide people with a little encouragement as they begin to take steps towards change.