Recently, I sat having breakfast with a friend. She was telling me about someone in her life, and how she is struggling to rebuild a relationship which as outsiders looking in, sounds to us like it has run it's course.
"She tells me that she would rather work on it, because she can't cope with so much time alone Louise!" my friend told me, "But I tell her it's all about how she looks at it. She can say that she can't cope with all the alone time, or she can say "at the moment, I need to be busy", and then make sure that she makes plans for her alone time".
Well, when I reflected on her words later, I think that she is so right, on more than one count.
Firstly, while research tells us that loneliness is at epic proportions in our communities at the moment, what we do know is that connection is one of the key ways to move through it, and reduce it's impact. If we are busy, it often means that we are out and about, and in some way connected. It may not stop us from missing that feeling of closeness that can come from being in a fulfilling relationship. It may not take away that feeling that loneliness leaves us with, which is that everyone else is happy and living their best life, while we are not. Still, even saying hello to someone as we buy a coffee in a cafe, or stopping to pat a dog as we walk through the park, can lead us to see that despite that loss and the feelings that come with it, we are still connected.
What we know if people are experiencing depression (often one of the feelings that also walks along beside loneliness), is that having something to focus on or to look forward to, can make a difference. So, if you're feeling like next weekend is an empty space which gapes ahead of you and feels scary, try to plan some activities. It might be that you clean the house and catch up with a friend for a coffee on one day, and that you take yourself to the movies or to a spin class the next day, but writing them into your calendar means that your time is not as empty as you feared it might be, and can leave you with the feeling that you have accomplished something with your weekend.
And this leads me to the second way in which I think my friend was right in what she said. While being busy would help her friend cope with the alone time, often how we cope in a difficult time or with a challenging circumstance, will depend on how we look at it. As one of my favourite quotes from Carlos Castaneda says "the trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same."
So, if we take ourselves back to that empty weekend scenario, how we cope is going to be dependent in part on how we think about it and what we say to ourselves about it in our own minds. We could say to ourselves "I'm not coping with all of this time alone. Everyone else is out and doing. My life is going nowhere and no one is including me." Alternatively, we could say "I'm going to see what fun activities I can plan, to help myself to feel better. Now how long is it since I phoned that friend? Instead of assuming she's busy, I'll give her a call!" Also, while you may find that she is not free next weekend, she might be able to give you a date when she is, and there you have another plan for some meaningful connection.
I find that this looking at what it is that we are emphasizing to see how we can change our thinking is useful in so many situations. Try thinking about where it can alter your perspective on things in your life, especially if they are things about which you have been feeling a bit stuck.