Something I have been reflecting on recently, is the part that shame can play in our lives, and the way that we can feel like it dictates our actions. To demonstrate what I mean by this, I want to give you two examples.
The first involves someone who has discovered that her long-term partner has been cheating on her. She has of course been flooded with all manner of emotions from fury,! To disbelief, to disappointment, and very real sadness. What has surprised her, however, is that with shared children and lives that are intertwined, she finds herself unwilling to pull the pin on her house of cards, even as she also feels the real need to punish her partner.
"But Louise," she said, "It's so hard to talk about because ... society expects you to leave!" As I listened and tried to walk that proverbial mile in her shoes, I could understand the truth in that, and could feel the weight of the advice that she would be receiving. We've come quite some distance from where we were fifty or sixty years ago, when it was beyond difficult for a woman with children to leave for whatever reason, and personally, I'm very glad about that. We have however perhaps switched to the other side of the argument, where staying is considered at best unwise, but at worst weak. Just open a book, watch a movie, listen to music, and there are copious examples of people finding themselves in this sort of situation, and plotting sometimes outrageous, but often delicious revenge. There are not so many stories now where huge issues like this are resolved, and the partners remain together.
Now I'm actually not here tonight advocating for either stance, and nor am I wanting to give any partner a get-out-of-jail free card. What I am doing is reflecting on how all of this expectation can translate to people feeling shame, feeling weak for calling a couples' counsellor, but perhaps most importantly, feeling isolated at a time when support is most needed. just as important to acknowledge here though, is that the role of supporter is not an easy one either. Sometimes it can be very difficult to watch a loved one making a decision which we think is going to hurt them in the end; just as difficult as it can be not to inadvertently shame them with the "I told you so's".
And this brings me to my second example. Chatting to a friend recently, she talked about how after her Mum's death, she feels displaced. She's emotional and sometimes difficult to please. When surrounded by people, she wants to be at home; when at home, she's bored. She's also not sure what her next move in life should be and is impatient with herself.
"I keep telling myself that I'm being ridiculous," she told me. "I tell myself to "just stop it", and it's my Mum's voice that I am hearing in my mind!"
Well as I listened to this, two thoughts sprang to my mind. The first is that yep, our Mums, whether we are five or fifty, are in that privileged space of always being able to tell us what we're doing wrong. Even from the grave, the thought of what they might say, will usually have the capacity to wind us up, and often leave us feeling ashamed! My second point, is that as most of us will understand, "just stop it" works a treat as advice, every time! NOT!
So, what can I possibly say to help us in these situations, when countless books and podcasts are out there trying to address this very subject? Firstly, I suggest you take a look at the work of Brene Brown as a starter, if the topic interests you! My main point though is that it helps us to be aware of what we are feeling, and where it is coming from. We can then make choices in terms of what we do about it.
For the person with the cheating partner for example, in part she needs to be aware that people are saying what they are because this is in fact a huge stumbling block that she has come across. In fact she has experienced some trauma by discovering what she has, and this also needs to be recognised. In the end though, she has the right to decide her own course of action. If she recognises that it is shame, she is experiencing, she can also learn to show herself some compassion. For my friend whose mind is filled with advice from her Mum, when she stops to think about what her Mum would say, she can also stop to realise that her Mum is not right, she's just on repeat. Contrary to what her Mum might have said, she's having a normal reaction to grief, and so it might be time for my friend to move to a new playlist and find some advice that's actually supportive of her efforts.