One of the things that I often explore with people in my private practice, is the whole topic of anxiety; the different ways in which it shows up for people, and also, how it might be managed more effectively. Of course it's not surprising that it appears regularly in my counselling room, when just a quick glance at Beyond Blue tells us that every year two million Australians suffer from anxiety. The reality is of course that we all should and do feel it from time to time and in particular situations. Problems arise however, when it gets in the way of our ability to live our normal lives. So, although I know that I'm only going to touch the very tip of the iceberg here, I want to say just a few things about anxiety to start the conversation.
The first thing is of course that starting the conversation is so important. For many of us, anxiety is a very lonely experience, involving lots of judgment from ourselves, and the fear that we will be judged as lacking by those who matter to us. Put simply, by the time we have reached our late teens or early adulthood, most of us have taken in the idea that while it's great to share our life's joys, our fears are things which should be contained, and kept to ourselves. More than that, we've taken in ideas about what it is acceptable to be anxious about, and what it’s not. It might be totally acceptable to be afraid of walking home alone on a dark night for example, but not of walking down the street, in broad daylight. It might be understandable to many people to be afraid of spiders, but trust me, it's not acceptable to be afraid of your common housefly. I know because I was afraid of them myself, for almost 50 years. So, whether feelings of anxiety are around attending public events, having an injection, or simply leaving the house, for almost everyone there is a feeling of shame involved. There is the feeling that other people would and can do so much better than we do, the often very real fear that if we talk about our fears in the wrong setting we will be ridiculed, and along with all of that a voice or group of voices inside our own heads, which is firing off all sorts of nasty commentation about how we are not good enough, and don't belong, because of these crippling feelings.
So, I think my second point here is that while we do indeed need to start the conversation, when we take our first tentative steps in talking about our fears, we need to give some thought to whom we are seeking support from. Why? Because the right support, when we find it, can make a huge difference. Just as we can feel shame when we are ridiculed, if we are supported, we can start to see that we are not nearly as alone as we may have been feeling. More than that, it can give us a new perspective, stop that repetitive loop going around inside our heads which is reinforcing the idea that we won't be able to cope, and ... in short it can help us to move beyond the negative beliefs which have been holding us in. The right support can allow us to see that we feel what we feel, and that we don't deserve to be ridiculed.
My third point then, speaking of ridicule, is that we need to pay attention to the conversation that we are having with ourselves. That voice inside our heads which is often referred to as the inner critic, may well be very noisy, it may even be trying to protect us from what it perceives as danger, but that doesn't make it right. Think about it for a moment. Does it ever work when someone tells you crossly not to be anxious in a situation, or laughs at you for being afraid? If your answer to that one is no as it is for most of us, then let me assure you that it's no more useful when you are giving yourself the same sorts of lines. In fact, trying to be kind and reassuring to ourselves about what it is that we are feeling can be a very powerful means of providing ourselves with support. According to Mindful Self-Compassion principles, we get far better results and are more able to cope, just by speaking kindly to ourselves, or speaking to ourselves as we would speak to one of our friends. So, the next time you are feeling anxious, try saying to yourself instead "yep, I know. You're feeling scared. It's okay, I'm here. Is there anything that could be done right now to make this any easier?" It might sound crazy, but research tells us that just as time and life experience has allowed our inner voice to become a negative loop, with practice, it is possible to change the tape.
And finally, speaking of practice... when we start to shine a light on something like anxiety, whether it be a full-blown anxiety disorder that we are dealing with, or something that gets in the way only in particular situations, remember that we are talking about something which affects two million Australians every year. What does this mean for us? Well it means that there is a huge array of resources out there... apps to use on smart phones, online support forums and courses, books, Ted Talks, support groups and individual therapy. These things are designed to give us new ideas and to help us develop our coping strategies, and often, they are there because they have worked for others. It's important to remember though, that like most skills that we develop, and yes, managing anxiety is a skill that we can develop, it won't happen overnight. It will take hard work, and like any difficult thing that we deal with, we don't always get it right the first time. The key is, to keep on trying.