Recently, I was speaking to a client about the recent death of a family member. She was talking to me about the way that different members of her family were involving themselves in the rituals after the death, and it put me in mind of something i have mentioned here before, but which we often forget as we grieve; grief can show itself in so many different ways, and yet still be grief.
That knowledge in itself is I know, not rocket-science. The problem becomes however, that ... "No man is an Island" as John Donne famously said; and so often we are grieving for the same person and at the same time, as are others in our family or friendship groups, and this can leave us feeling underresourced. Now sometimes this can be a real bonus — grief can bring us together and make us feel closer to those around us. It can allow us the opportunity to talk about the person who has died with others who are also mourning. On the other hand though, sometimes we can feel alienated in our grief and not want to be involved in those rituals, leaving those who do want the demonstrative shows of support feeling like we are not grieving at all.
So, how do we deal with this difference without becoming resentful? Well of course I have no prescriptive answers here, but here's just a couple of points to keep in mind. Firstly, we need to recognise that everyone's grief experience is different. While some of us will become consumed by it — will spend a lot of time crying and expressing sorrow — others may express anger with either the person who has died or with those around them. There might also be some who look like nothing has changed at all in their lives.
In fact, it is well documented in bereavement research that people have different grieving styles. Some people have a more Intuitive Grieving style — they spend their time talking about their feelings, want the opportunity to share their emotions and experience with people, and are very openly involved in the process of grieving. On the other hand, are people with an Instrumental style of grieving — they are less obvious about their emotions, will often be involved in doing things — might show their grief through organising things like aspects of the funeral service or ways to remember that person for example - but will be less into talking about them openly. While it is true that women have more of a tendency towards Intuitive Grieving and men towards the Instrumental, it is also true that it's only a tendency. If we think of it as a continuum with one style at each end, we will find ourselves placed somewhere along that line. The point to take away though, is that there is no correct style. If you are feeling disconnected from people, it might help to give some thought to your own style and to those of the people grieving around you, so that you can understand more about where each of you is at.
Also worth remembering is that people will prepare for a crisis in different ways. Sometimes, where there has been a protracted illness for example, people are able to talk to the person who is dying, and can actually do some of their grieving with them, before the death occurs. Others might not be able to face death as a reality with that person still around, and so it may come as a real shock to them. If we can keep that in mind, we will have more understanding of each others' reactions. And finally, no matter where you are in terms of grief styles, some people will gain a lot from rituals like funerals and wakes, death notices and flowers, grave-visiting and so on, while others prefer less recognised ways of remembering the dead. They might have a picture of the dead person up with a candle burning underneath it on Christmas Day, for example, as one of my clients did. What matters is that what you are doing works for you.
So the bottom line in all of this, is that because people might not be grieving like us, it does not mean that they are not sad. If we can go some way towards understanding that, and it can be hard to do that while it's happening, then we are going to be able to feel more compassion for each other; and if we have more compassion, it stands to reason for me, that we feel less alone.