One of the things I have been reflecting on this week, is how difficult it can be for us to grieve the loss of someone in our lives, when we don't have the death story, and/or we haven't been a part of the usual grieving rituals, like funerals.
recently for example, a friend of mine was thinking that she needed to make contact with an old friend. They hadn't caught up in a couple of months, which was unusual for them. She sent her a text, but instead of the response that she expected, her phone rang, and it was her friend's adult son telling her that his Mum had died some weeks ago, and that the funeral had already happened.
Now as you can imagine, my friend felt shattered. She was swamped with a huge array of emotions, with almost certainly the first being disbelief. How could this have happened? Did they have any warning signs? What did a few weeks mean? Exactly when did it happen? Also, before she could even begin to really feel her own sadness and the loss of that friend in her life, she needed to process an extra layer of hurt. This friend had been important to her. They'd caught up every few weeks ... why had she, and the other friends that they had in common, not been told about the death, or given details about when the funeral would be.
The reality of a situation like this, is that it leaves us with so many questions, but not many answers. In essence, we need the death story ... When someone dies, whether expected or otherwise, you might find yourself with lots of questions that you feel you need the answers to, but which you also fear are intrusive. What time did the death occur might suddenly become vital information for you. Was the person conscious before their death? Who was there with them? Were they showing any signs of distress? I think it's important to note that while those around you might not be feeling this need for information, if you are, it is completely normal. After all, try talking to a close family member or friend shortly after a death or at a funeral, and the death story is the main topic of conversation. There are often people out there waiting to tell you those details because they too need to process their grief.
Obviously there are lots of things that make a death traumatic, from the age of the person dying, to the way in which it happened, to the person's family circumstances. In my experience however, for most of us, living through the death of someone in our worlds is a sort of trauma. Put simply, processing trauma is often about us being able to put a beginning and an end on the story and finding an explanation for the way things happened which makes sense to us, which is what we are doing when we seek out the death story.
When we hear about a death after the event, we also miss out by not being able to attend funerals or any other public rituals which mourners put together. Those rituals have an important place in our mourning, because while They give us the opportunity to hear the death story, they also allow us to celebrate that person’s life, to share memories, and to both offer and receive support from those who are also grieving the same loss.
So what do we do to help ourselves in these situations? Well, I think the first thing is to acknowledge to ourselves and those around us, that there is no time limit on grief. Then it may be about doing what we can to find some of those answers that we need, and also finding some sort of an expression or ritual for our grief. It might be about contacting someone from the family to express condolence and to see if they are prepared to fill in the missing pieces for us. If that is not an option, we might try doing a search online for death notices, or speaking to Births, deaths and Marriages about how to access public records. A phone call to the Greater Melbourne Cemeteries Trust might tell you where the person's remains are, and if they have been interred in a public space, this then might give you the opportunity to visit and pay your respects. Also, one of the rare benefits associated with COVID, is that many funerals are now live-streamed and/or recorded. If you can find the funeral directors responsible for any service which was held, often they will have recordings available for days or weeks after the death. The participation will be very different I know, but it will still be a form of attendance.
My bottom line is that if this sort of thing happens to you, and you feel like you are not coping, then don't be shy about reaching out for help. Services like Griefline are available for this purpose, and so are grief and bereavement counsellors like me. If you know of someone who has experienced a death such as this, remember that showing your support through listening, can make such a difference.