Tonight, it hits me that in the last two months, several of my family members and friends have had parents die, and some of them are preparing for funerals this week.
And as I've heard the news, I've been aware of wanting to get the balance right in my response; have had the feeling that I'm sure we've all had at times, that words are just not enough. I know this topic is often talked about ... what do we say? How should we recognise someone else's grief? How do we get it out to them that we feel their pain if they are shattered, but that we are also not telling them what or how they should feel?
I remember a good lesson in what not to say, taught to me by a friend whose Father died at 89. She said
"I'm sick of people telling me that he was a great age, or saying "ah well, it was a good innings." Sure, it was a good innings, but ... that doesn't mean I was ready for it to be over."
Her words struck a chord with me. He might have indeed been a great age, but he was one of her go-to people for over sixty years, and that's a huge loss. When a person has died, it's then about those left behind, and although we can and should recognise the achievements and celebrate the life that has passed, often being glad that it's over for them, the pain is often beginning in a new way for us.
In reality, I find that grief is for many people a very lonely experience. Those who are grieving often experience a surreal feeling; like they are at a great distance from everyone around them, even when people are right next to them. Often they feel stunned that while it is such a cataclysmic day in their life, for others its just an ordinary day.
So clearly, I don't have the answers. I know that when I am grieving, I am comforted by recognition from those around me ... whether that be by phone calls, texts, sympathy cards, hugs ... anything that conveys to me that my sadness is recognised. If it is you going through this pain currently, I hope that you can feel some reassurance just through knowing that you are in many people's thoughts and that most of us would like to do whatever is helpful to you.
Sometimes I find strength in the words of others and really relate to this description of grief from Andrea La'Sone Melrose in her book, Nine Visions, when she says:
"We stumble blindly on our way, often running from a responsibility we are afraid to take on, from a burden we don't think we can carry. We thrash and flail, certain that we are drowning, panicked, as if unreasoning activity were going to help us. Somehow, into that darkness, comes a moment of peace when a friend gives us a hug, a stranger reaches out a hand ... and we realize that we have been standing on a rock all along; supported, stable, safe. However we see that gesture, as God working through the human beings around us or simply as the generosity of the human spirit coming through the day-to-day masks we all wear, the gift is infinitely precious."